Violent Acres

I eat out a lot. Because I dine out so frequently, I have noticed a few social trends developing that I could do without. For example, some servers almost completely lack the ability to multitask…which renders the service they provide to a patron mediocre at best. Even more so, I have noticed that most patrons seem to lack the class and dignity which makes human interaction somewhat sufferable. Considering that these two trends directly affect me on a nearly daily basis, I’ve decided to write a guide describing some of the behavior that both parties can adopt to make the entire dining experience more pleasant for everyone.

When a Table is Seated

If you are the server…
Do not do that thing that some of you do where you walk by the table really quickly, obviously averting your eyes in a noticeable attempt at pretending you don’t see us sitting there. We know you see us. Rather than giving off the ‘I’m purposely ignoring you’ vibe, try walking over and telling us that it will be just a minute or two before you can wait on us. We will understand if you’re busy. We know that the whole world doesn’t revolve around us.

If you are the patron…
Turn off your cell phone, shut your yap, and spend 5 fucking seconds looking at the menu. That way, when a busy server comes over to take your drink order, you will not piss everyone off by frantically thumbing through the menu while saying, “Oh! Oh…hmmm…ummmm…what kind of soda do you have?” It’s a fucking drink; it’s not brain surgery.

When Ordering

If you are the patron…
Do not stop ordering your meal to ask the server ‘Are you writing this down?’ If she is not holding a pad and a pen, the answer is obviously ‘no.’ Do not condescend to her by implying that she will suddenly forget what you wanted in the 10 seconds it takes her to walk over to the computer. And one look into your fat maw is the only reminder she needs to bring you extra mayo. A lot of servers have excellent memories and only use that pad and pen to passively aggressively document your innate bitchiness anyway.

Also, take this opportunity to let your server know up front if you’ll be requesting extra napkins, etc. This prevents you from running her ass to and from the kitchen fetching you things that she could have just brought with your meal.

If you are the server…
If you are one of the few servers with a shitty memory, go ahead and write the order down. No one will hold it against you.

If Things Go Wrong

If you are the patron…
Relax. People make mistakes. This is a steak and a side of mashed potatoes. It’s not the end of the fucking world.

If you are the server…
You can blame things on the cooks, your manager, or the Jamaican Grass God for all I care. But do not act like I fucked up by forgetting to tell you something. I fucking told you, bitch. In fact, just skip the excuses completely and get what I ordered. No harm, no foul.

During the Meal

If you are the server…
Perform your duties in their entirety. I pay you to complete two very specific tasks.

1. Bring me things that I want
2. Take away the things I don’t want

If you only bring me food and drink, but fail to take away empty glasses or dirty dishes, then you’re only completing half of your job. Now exceptions can be made if you are incredibly busy, but if I see you standing by a side stand sending text messages while my table is covered in empty bottles of beer, then I’m going to get annoyed. I can not enjoy my dessert if I’m surrounded by garbage and you’re making my husband look like a wino.

If you are the patron…
Move the dishes no longer in use to the end of the table so the server can remove them without having to reach across the table and drag her sleeve through your kid’s bowl of applesauce.

When the Check is Presented

If you are the patron…
Pay your bill promptly. For all you know, your server is scheduled to end her shift now and all she’s waiting for is for you do plop down a credit card. Or maybe she has cleaning to do in the kitchen. Or other tables to wait on. Either way, do not force her to walk by your table every five fucking seconds in order to collect your payment. Just pay your bill and then mosey over to the bar to finish your conversation about the PTA or whatever the hell it is you people babble about.

If you are the server…
Collect my payment promptly. If I’ve asked for my check, it means that I’m ready to leave. I can not stand it when servers give me my check and then disappear for long periods of time without collecting my payment. For the life of me, I do not understand why a server who has otherwise provided me with excellent service would choose to annoy me directly before I tip her. Take my money and let me go home already.

When Tipping

If you are the server…
Make sure your pen works and/or I have sufficient change before you disappear.

If you are the patron…
Tip correctly. If you do not know how to calculate percentages, use that little tip calculator thingy in your cell phone. And please leave your server at least 20%. I realize that custom says that average service only warrants a 15% tip, but the cost of living has increased. Furthermore, it’s downright hypocritical to bitch and moan that minimum wage should be increased for the dick cheese behind the counter at McDonald’s while at the same time refusing to increase your tip. 20%, people. More if she’s exceptional.

A Word About Teenagers

If you are the patron…
Do not let your teenage children go out to eat without first explaining to them how to behave in a restaurant. Every single time I’ve seen a group of teenagers without adult supervision in a restaurant, they have been out of control, loud, obnoxious, and they are usually too (audibly) broke (after spending all their money on glow sticks) to leave a decent tip. One time, I even witnessed a group of boys after a football game purposely attempting to vomit on the table because they thought it would be ‘funny’ to make the server clean it up. One of these days I’m going to snap and get violent with your precious children and no one wants that. So teach the little fuckers to manage themselves before I manage them for you. This part of the village doesn’t particularly understand or accept the garbage you crapped out of your womb.

If you are the server…
You have my sympathies.

A Word About Dining With Young Children

If you are the patron…
Get a fucking babysitter. If I wanted to listen to shrieking children, I would have had my own. Don’t cry to me about how you need a break but you can’t afford one, either. You should have thought about that before you had children. The very least you can do is take the little fuckers outside when they start acting up. Do not ruin the evening of an entire restaurant of people because you couldn’t figure out how to properly utilize a condom.

If you are the server…
I hereby promise that I will leave a $500 tip for any server with the balls to ask the parents of the screaming child to please leave the restaurant until they have regained control of the kid. I encourage other patrons to make similar vows.

I also encourage servers to print this portion of my article up to show their managers. That way, when Ms. Soccer Mom with an Attitude gets indignant, you can tell the douche you work for that the only reason you made such a request was because you were hoping for a $500 tip from one of the other grateful people sitting in your section.

Hopefully, he’ll understand.

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