“We have a wedding to go to Saturday.”

“This Saturday?”

“Um yeah…think so.”

My husband is famous for this. He makes plans for us to attend some function and fails to mention said plans to me until the very last second. Half of the time, he fails to mention them to the other people involved as well.

“Whose wedding is it?”

“My cousin, Brett.”

“Do you like Brett?” I only ask because I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to attend a wedding with gift in hand of someone I’ve never met whom my husband doesn’t even like.

“Yeah, kinda.”

Well, did you RSVP?”

“Why would we do that?” (What did I tell you?)

“Because typically, for weddings, you RSVP.”

“For what?” 

“So they know how many—oh, nevermind. Just call them now and see if it’s OK if we can still go. And find out where they’re registered.”

A few days later, we’re on our way to the wedding, gift in hand, praying that there is an open bar. The family is very religious, so the ceremony will be held in a church. Apparently, there is a lot of kneeling involved, but I feel like if I can get away without actually eating any Christ (I will absolutely not mind drinking the blood, however), then I’ll be fine. I make my husband promise me that if Christ is passed around for our consumption, he will jump on the grenade and eat my Christ for me.

As we climb the church steps, I come face to face with the bosom of a bleached blonde, middle aged woman who is introduced to me as the groom’s Mother. The groom is young and is about marry his baby’s momma and now I’m starting to understand why. Simply put, he’s got a slutty mom.

You know them; you’ve seen them. Slutty Moms have been slowly, but surely, infiltrating our culture for the past couple of decades. Nasty, dried up, old hags who check out their own camel toes in the mirror and think to themselves, “Still got it.”

But how, you ask, does one spot a slutty mom in a demure setting such as a religious wedding? How do you know that you’re not the slutty mom? While I do possess particular good skank radar (Hoedar), there are signs that anyone can look for….even if they have to find them in the mirror.

The Definitive List of Slutty Mom at the Wedding Signifiers

1. It’s all about the dress.
While the rest of the bridal party is rocking the modest taffeta gowns that the bride selected, you have altered yours to show off everything above the nipple. And despite the fact that the wedding is being held during the afternoon, you thought it would be a good idea to accentuate your breasts with copious amounts of raver glitter that will end up smeared all over the faces of everyone that you hug. Hell, you didn’t spend 10G’s on these boobs for nothing! Bonus points here if your tits also sport a tattoo of ‘Taz’ and/or a rose that is dripping blood from a thorn.

2. The Tramp Stamp.
Speaking of tattoo’s, you’re also rocking your very own tramp stamp on the small of your back. To get the full affect, you bend over often so that your too short blouse rides up and gives everyone a full view. And yes, we all notice that all the little sparkles form an arrow that points subtly to the crack of your ass.

3. Little Miss Friendly
You’re sacred duty to make sure that the happy couple has a fantastic day is to hug every single male at the wedding. Tightly. And a bit too long for comfort. Remember that this includes everyone with a penis, even the gay guys and the toddlers. If you don’t have to fish a bubble wand out of your bra at the end of the night, you didn’t do your job.

4. Breaking the Rules
At the reception, if the bride decides that there will be no drinking alcohol until after dinner is served, you will not take it well. In fact, you will very audibly proclaim that it was bad enough that the uppity bitch didn’t let you drink during the ceremony. You will not stand for anymore tyranny. In protest, you will break out the case of Natty light that you had stashed in your car.

5. Dancing Machine
You are the only one who danced to every song the Dj played. You added an extra swing to your hips during The Electric Slide. And you made the hokey pokey look like a strip tease.

6. Until the Break of Dawn
Ninety percent of the crowd went home, but you’re still living it up. The after party is at your house and you’ve already got the rest of the keg loaded into the trunk of your car. You’ve got a nightstand full of condoms and tradition says that since you caught the bouquet, you’ve got to use at least three of them. The night doesn’t end until you’re passed out in the bathtub with puke in your hair.

Does that sound like you? If you own a jean (or leather) jacket that has that long natty fringe, than that pretty much seals the deal. You’re a slutty mom. Give yourself 5 more years and then start blaming Alzheimer’s for the sake of your family.

If you’re not the slutty mom, then take a few moments to feel smug and superior now. And remember, the only way to deal with a slutty mom is with hesitant smiles and subtle arms pats for the children. But always keep your distance. After all, much like head lice, whoreishness is contagious.