1. The Paperboy

I very politely informed the paperboy that I am not interested in receiving the daily newspaper. He responded by offering to give me a ‘Free Trial!’ Very firmly, I informed him that I am not interested in a free trial. I told him that I do not like the newspaper. It’s big and awkward to read, it’s sugar coated and watered down and politically correct, the comics aren’t funny, the ads are excessive, and whenever I’m finished with it I always end up with ink all over my goddamn hands. Now, I read all of my news on the Internet. I will never, ever, ever again subscribe to the newspaper. “Save the free trial for someone else,” I insisted.

I thought he understood. Yet…yet…every day there is my free newspaper laying in my front yard. Since I do not read the newspaper, every morning I have to walk out in the yard, pick it up, and dispose of it.

STOP THROWING YOUR GARBAGE IN MY YARD, YOU LITTLE FUCK!

2. The Old Lady that Works at the Gym

When I walked into my gym this morning, I attempted to type in my ID number. However, the old lady that works there stopped me to inform me that the computer system was down. She asked that I write my number down on a slip of paper for her so she could enter it in later when they were back up. I obliged.

She looked at my number and said, “Oh no. That can’t be your number.”

I answered, “Yes, this is my number.”

“It has 5 numbers. It’s only supposed to have 4.”

“That is because it’s a new account. Trust me, this is my number. I’ve typed it in every day for the past month. It’s the correct number.”

She asked for my name and I gave it to her. Then, I proceeded to work out.

Mid-routine, she approaches me to tell me that the number I gave her was incorrect. She told me my number was actually 1550. I told her 1550 was my old number and that the account has since expired. Again, I repeated my (New, correct) number to her. Again, she tried to argue with me. However, I was having a hard time following what she was saying. This was probably because I was, you know, working out.

BITCH! I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF STRENUOUS WORK OUT AND I AM TRYING TO CONCENTRATE ON MY FORM! PERHAPS THE REASON YOU CAN’T FIND MY NAME IN THE COMPUTER IS BECAUSE YOU SPELLED IT WRONG! EITHER WAY, I AM IN NO POSITION TO TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW. WAIT 16 MINUTES, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

3. That bitchy girl that works at the grocery store.

I am fully aware that is taboo to merely point to something behind the display glass and ask the girl behind the counter what it is. That’s why I motioned to the right and attempted to say, “What is the dish that is second from the top?”

Nevertheless, she interrupted me to snottily snap, “I can’t see where you’re pointing.”

I attempted to reply, “I know that. That’s why I was trying to tell you that it’s the second from the top.”

Again, she interrupted me to loudly list every fucking dish in the display case with a voice dripping with sarcasm. I walked away from her mid-sentence.

HEY LITTLE MISS TRAILER TRASH! IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE SO RUDE AS TO REPEATEDLY INTERRUPT ME THEN I AM GOING TO RETURN THE FAVOR AND BE JUST AS DISRESPECTFUL TO YOU. ALSO, YOU’RE A FUCKING MORON AND THERE IS MAYO IN YOUR HAIR!

I’m sorry, but I just needed to get that out of my system.