Every once in a while, a guy friend of mine will end a date confused about how it went. The girl he took out seemed amicable enough and she smiled plenty, but other than that, he couldn’t quite pin down how she felt about him. Did she enjoy herself? Or was she just being polite? Without fail, my guy friends will come running to me, begging for a feminine point-of-view.

I always ask the same question: What did she eat?

Men, you can totally tell how a woman feels about you by what she orders at a restaurant. In fact, because I’m such a giving soul, I decided to type up a short guide. Print it out and stick it in your pocket.

If she orders chicken fingers, cheese sticks, a basket of French fries or any other finger food….she’s totally into you.

If she orders a smoothie, milkshake, or any other beverage topped with whip cream…she is attempting to sexually excite you.

If she orders a salad…her feelings for you are ambiguous.

If she orders chicken wings, ribs, or anything with extra onions….you disgust her and she’s trying to gross you out so you won’t make a move on her later.

If she orders a steak and lobster combo or any other ridiculously expensive meal…she’s either a gold digging whore or you’re so insufferably boring that she feels the only way to properly compensate herself for the time she wasted with you is to at least eat something decadent.

If she just orders booze….of course she likes you! She likes everyone! Now will you please help her find her shoe?

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for you guys today. I’m sorry this week has been so boring, but I just haven’t been in the mood. Perhaps tonight I’ll regurgitate a bottle of jack so I’m nice and cranky for you all tomorrow.

Who’s a generous web writer? Why, I’m a generous web writer! Yes I am! Yes I am!