I have a good friend who has worked as a personal nanny for a number of years. She got into the field the summer after she graduated high school and has since worked her way through college and most of grad school taking care of children. Her warmth and consistency make her particularly good at what she does.

Right now, she’s in the process of looking for another job. Her current family has been forced to move to Arizona for work and she is unable to move with them due to school. However, finding another job should be an easy task for her considering that her references are nothing short of glowing. Seriously, her past employers fall all over themselves to say good things about her.

Sunday afternoon, after interviewing with a new family, she called me up and breathlessly demanded, “Tell me I’m not being childish!”

I had no idea what she was talking about, so my response was nothing more than an, “Uhhhh….?”

Taking my cue, she rapidly started telling me about the new family. She assured me that the little boy was adorable and his big sister was articulate and seemingly well behaved. The house was nice, the pay was perfectly reasonable, and the work was only part time which gave her plenty of time to focus on her schoolwork. For a full fifteen minutes, she relayed to me the pros of taking on this new family, until she finally blurted out what was bothering her:

“They want me to keep a diary!”

“What kind of diary?” I asked.

“A diary documenting the activities the children complete during the day. I looked at their last Nanny’s diary. It said things like, ‘Played Candyland from 11-11:15. Colored from 11:15-11:30.’ That sort of thing.”

“Won’t you see the Mother when she gets home from work?”

“Yes, I’ll see her every night. And I’ll see her in the morning, too.”

“Then why couldn’t she….I don’t know….ask you what you did with the kids all day?”

Relieved, my friend said, “That’s exactly what I thought! I worry about the communication I’d have with an employer who would rather read about her kids in a book than simply talk to the person taking care of them.”

“Well, it does seem a little condescending…” I admitted.

“It’s not only that,” my friend continued, “But I have to write in the diary exactly what they ate every day. Meals and snacks. And I can’t just say ‘cheese and crackers,’ either. I have to say ‘4 crackers, 2 slices of cheese, and 4 ounces of milk.’”

“Do the children have weight problems or something?”

“No! And it’s not just food and activities. I have to document their bowel movements!”

“Their bowel movements?”

“Yeah, apparently, every time one of them takes a shit, I have to write what time it happened in the diary.”

This revelation sealed the deal for me. I decided right then and there to tell my friend what she wanted to hear, “That would weird me out, too. You are not being a child.”

Listen parents, I realize the guilt you sometimes feel for leaving your children at home while you work emphasized by the media horror stories featuring Killer! Nannies! makes you feel a little overly cautious at times. I get that you want to be involved in your child’s life and you want them to be safe, healthy, and engaged when you’re not around. I get it all, I really do.

With that said, alienating your nanny is not the way to ensure optimal care for your loved ones. Instead, invest in background checks and diligently check all available references. Develop a good relationship with your nanny, one where she feels comfortable talking to you about your children and relaying the daily ups and downs. Most importantly, talk to your children about your nanny. If your children are spending their days living on pop tarts and watching television while the nanny is in another room talking on the phone, it’s more likely you’ll hear that bit of information from your kids (Should you bother to ask) than you would read it in a fucking diary. If you do all of this and are still a little paranoid, just install some hidden video cameras and be done with it already!

And seriously, what is with parents being obsessed with their kid’s poop? This seems to be some new, weird phenomenon that I’ve been noticing lately and it’s got to end. Relax, you fucking control freaks! Your kids can shit without you!

When hiring a nanny, parents should also realize that child care providers do not typically double as maids. This is not to say they should not be responsible for cleaning up after the children, but my friend told me the new family expected her to mulch the flower gardens, organize the garage and do the family laundry while the children were napping. This is excessive.

“I guess it wouldn’t bother me to do the kid’s laundry,” my friend mused, “But I think I’d feel a little funny folding my employer’s underwear every day. Also, I don’t know a thing about landscaping.”

In the end, my friend will not be accepting the job with the adorable, well behaved children. This is not because she’s lazy, childish, or lacking the confidence in her abilities. Just the opposite, in fact.

She’s turning down this position because she’d rather spend her time focusing on providing only the most optimal care for the children, rather than periodically dropping what she’s doing in order to document the size and color of their shit.