I’m in the market to purchase a new property. My property minimally has to be a duplex and ideally would be a small apartment building. Since I generally play it on the safe side when it comes to real estate investing (I’m not a speculator or a flipper or Casey-dumbass-Serin), I tend to do extensive research on multiple properties before I make an offer. I started my search a few weeks ago and since then, people have been annoying the ever loving fuck out of me left and right.

Here are just a few examples:

Realtors Who Can’t Show Me the Whole Property

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve shown up to tour a property and had the agent tell me, “Well, we can only actually go in and look at half of this duplex. But that’s ok, because they’re both identical.”

Um, no. It’s not OK. Because while I’m sure that both apartments are laid out the same, I highly doubt you can guarantee they have both been identically damaged over the years. Besides, do you really think I’d buy a property without looking at all of it? What kind of a patsy do you think I am? Quit wasting my fucking time.

Sellers Who Don’t Understand the Concept of Positive Cash Flow

Numerous times I’ve been told a property will net me a positive cash flow at the price they’re asking. That is, of course, if I don’t factor in taxes, insurance, maintenance, utility bills, and vacancies. Do these people honestly believe I don’t have access to a fucking calculator?

Tenants Who Don’t Clean Up

Now, I realize it’s kind of intrusive to have someone walking through your apartment every other week. Therefore, if the place isn’t immaculate, I’m not holding it against you.

With that said, I could very well end up being your next landlord. So please don’t let me see the coloring on the walls and the dog shit on the carpet unless you want to find an eviction notice tapped to your door the second I take possession of the place.

Sellers Who Are Overly Attached to Their Appraisal

It is absolutely impossible for me to fall in love with a multi-family property considering that I do not plan to live there. When I look at one, I’m looking at it for one reason and one reason only: I want to it make me money.

If I do the math and it’s not making me money at the price you are asking, I will offer you lower. No, I do not give a shit with your appraisal said. My numbers either add up or they don’t. If your appraiser has convinced you that your property is worth significantly more despite the fact that’s it’s been on the market for 2 years without a single offer, I suggest you chuck their report. Either that, or have your fucking appraiser buy the place.

Realtors Who Don’t Understand the Difference between Selling a Multi-Family Property and a Single Family Property

I went to see a duplex yesterday and the agent couldn’t stop babbling about the gardens. She actually thought the garden was a big selling point of the property.

A garden is only a big selling point when it comes to single family homes. An investor, on the other hand, will look at something like that as a hindrance. My tenants aren’t going to pay me a extra hundred dollars a month in rent because there are pretty flowers outside and I really don’t feel like coming here every other week to pull weeds and mulch, so every time you mention that fucking garden, I’m wondering how much it’s going to cost me to rip it out.

I feel the same way about the apples trees, the swimming pool, the burberry carpet, and the multiple fireplaces.

Also, your client should fire you.

The Bastardization of the Phrase ‘Completely Remodeled’

I’m not sure if this is the agents or the sellers, but someone seems to be under the impression they can advertise a property as being ‘completely remodeled’ if they slap down some of the cheapest bargain church basement sale carpet they can find and replace the screen door with some bullshit they bought a yard sale. It’s fucking ridiculous.

Listen, I realize that there are slum lords out there who make a pretty penny being sleazy pieces of shit, but I am not one them. I want my properties to be nice. This means I plan to rip down your cheap paneling and get rid of baby shit green kitchen appliances. All you’re doing by hauling this crap in there is creating more work for me since I’ve got to haul it all back out.

I’d rather the apartments all be completely gutted than ‘remodeled’ to look like potential crime scenes.

Anyway, these are just some of my highlights from the past couple of weeks. Stay tuned next week when I bitch about the tenants who insisted their 6 ferrets didn’t violate the ‘no pets’ clause of the lease considering they are all considered ‘family members.’

Also, de-scenting them would be cruel!