Violent Acres

For the official record, I have no problem watching a woman breastfeed her child. In fact, I sort of enjoy it. For one thing, the hungry baby is usually mercifully quiet for the duration of the meal. For another thing, I like to look at boobs. Big boobs, little boobs, saggy boobs, pert boobs….I like them all. I don’t give a flying fuck if there is a child hanging off of them or not just so long as I get to see them.

With that said, lactivists are fucking annoying.

For those of you who don’t know, lactivists are those crazy hippie mothers who respond with righteous indignation if, say, a restaurant owner asks them to be a little more discreet when breastfeeding while frequenting their place of business. After working themselves up into little tizzies, they’ll generally gather up more of their bored friends to stage what they like to call a ‘nurse in.’ A ‘nurse in’ is a public protest located in the parking lot of the business who slighted them and includes clever signs and mass displays of public breast feeding.

Lactivists are so totally hardcore.

The main argument lactivists employ is the theory that people are not offended when they see a naked boob in a sexual context, so they have no right to be offended when they see a naked boob used for FEEDING! A! CHILD! However, I remember a certain halftime show that included Janet Jackson’s naked breast shown in a completely sexual way that elicited fury from a large part of the general public (Including the FCC), so the logic there is faulty. Obviously, some people don’t want to see naked breasts in public, period. It matters not if the naked breast is displayed for sexual reasons or for mundane feeding purposes. They just don’t want to see it.

But rather than take their babies and their boobs and show them to people who would appreciate them (And, in my case, even share some popcorn), these silly ninnies start ridiculous crusades in an pointless attempt to dictate to others what they should and shouldn’t be offended by. What they fail to realize is that no matter what they do, people are going to continue to be offended by stupid shit. Furthermore, that stupid shit differs from person to person.

I think it is absolutely bizarre that anyone would be offended by the word ‘fuck.’ Yet, there are thousands of people on this planet whose ears turn pink every time they hear it. A piece of me dies every time someone refers to my website as a ‘blog.’ However, I see people all over the Internet actively embracing the title. My Grandmother would get resentful if a young gentleman failed to open the door for her, but I’ve seen younger women get snappish about the gesture. My point is whether you’re partially naked or fully clothed, chivalrous or modern, potty mouthed or possessing of impeccable manners…someone out there doesn’t like you. Someone is going to be offended by something you do or say. It’s pointless to fight it, so you might as well accept it.

The problem with lactivists and their ilk is they want to set the rules of society. They want to tell you that it’s still OK to be offended by the word ‘nigger,’ but when it comes to naked breasts; you must be gracious and accepting. Make no mistakes; this isn’t about motherhood being beautiful. This is about controlling the thought process of their peers. This is about saying, ‘I want you to be tolerant of me and everything I do, but I refuse to be tolerant of you and your personal comfort zones.’

The fact of the matter is people have the right to determine for themselves what they find offensive….no matter how petty and stupid we personally view it. An individual has a right to set their own boundaries and comfort zones. When you come into someone’s home or place of business, you have to behave in such a way that coincides with their personal decisions. I would not dream of walking into the home of a person who breast feeds and demanding they refrain from doing it in front of me. Since I am on their turf, I’ve either got to respect their decisions or leave their property. It is the same thing with a business owner. If he doesn’t want your naked breast displayed in his restaurant, your choice is to respect that and feed your child in the restroom like he requested or to refrain from frequenting his business.

And please, no one give me any bullshit about how it’s not fair to make your child EAT! IN! A! BATHROOM! Your child’s brain is mush. By the time he even realizes he’s in a bathroom, he’ll be ready to eat solid foods. So spare me the sob story where you infer that even a minor amount of discretion will scar your precious one for life. It won’t.

Besides, I don’t even know why you’d want to fool around with your silly ‘nurse ins,’ when you could just come over to my house. I’d serve you organic juice and cute finger sandwiches and you could walk around topless all damn day if you wanted too. I promise I won’t ever get offended should you need to breastfeed your little one….

…Just so long as you don’t get offended if I privately fantasize that he’s not in the room.

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