Violent Acres

Because I often make sexual comments about women on this website, my sexuality has come into question. For some strange reason, people seem to want to know whether or not I’m bisexual.

According to my gay friend (who could be totally yanking my chain in a sneaky attempt to make me look like an idiot on my own website), I am not bisexual. I am queer. Apparently, there is a difference.

My friend insists that queer folk just enjoy fucking people of both sexes while bisexuals would be happy in a long term relationship with either a man or a woman. If his assertion is accurate, then he pegged me correctly. I would fuck a woman 6 ways from Sunday, but I am absolutely horrified by the idea of being in a committed relationship with one. Honestly, I can barely stand superficial friendships with women.

With that said, I’ve never actually had sex with another woman. The reason for that is twofold:

It Would Take Too Much Effort

With men, sex is easy. You can call a man up and simply say, “Want to come over and fuck?” They’ll respond favorably, come over, take care of business and lock the door for you on their way back out. It’s quick. It’s simple. It’s the very definition of great phone sex.

However, you can’t take advantage of such perfection with a member of the female persuasion. With women, you actually have to talk to them. This wouldn’t be so bad if they had something interesting to say, but they don’t. Ever. Most women are only interesting when they’re naked.

It’s Almost Impossible for Me to Find a Woman I’m Physically Attracted To

For me, women generally fall into two categories:

1. Women I’d hook up with one of my guy friends
2. Women I’d hook up with myself if only they’d shut up for just two fucking seconds

99.98% of the women I meet fall into the first category. The reason for this is because nowadays all women look the same. I can walk into a mall today, throw a brick, and hit 20 pretty girls. Unfortunately, they’d all vaguely resemble Barbie with only slightly different hairstyles. Everyone has this mass marketed, watered down, bland form of beauty about them. This is fine for my penis having comrades, but it makes my clitoris shriek in horror, crawl down my leg, and hide under the refrigerator.

Call me crazy, but I like women who look a little different. I like a chick with flaws. Nothing gets me going like a girl with a slightly crooked nose or an overbite. Hell, if a woman is interested in getting my attention, all she really has to do is slap on a pair of reading glasses. Holy shit, do I have a fetish for people who wear reading glasses.

I’ve been sitting here for the past 10 minutes trying to think of a famous person I could point out as an example, but much like real life, almost all Hollywood actresses look alike. However, I did manage to find 2 women I find vaguely appealing.

This first girl is Jodhi May. You have no idea who she is, do you? Figures. She happens to be the girl who played ‘Alice’ in The Last of the Mohicans.

For weeks after watching this movie, I had long, intricate fantasies that began with Jodhi May pulling up beside me in a limo and asking me for directions. The fantasy ended with me doing terrible, terrible things to her body while the chauffeur sat up front listening to the radio and doing crossword puzzles.

The second girl is that lesbian from America’s Next Top Model.

Yes, I actually watched an entire season of a reality television show because of this girl. As far as I’m concerned, she owes me. I suffered through endless hours of Tyra Banks’ self important preaching and this chick didn’t even have the decency to “accidentally” release a nude picture of herself online…let alone a sex tape.

If you’re reading this Kim-whatever-the-fuck-your-last-name-is, call me. My payment for your grievous misdeed will include a bottle of wine followed by two hours of unbridled passion.

Just don’t expect me to talk to you afterwards.

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