Violent Acres

I was going write a story disclosing how I spent my ‘Fuck You Money’ this month, but I realized most of you probably don’t know what ‘Fuck You Money’ is. So I figured I’d use this entry to give you a little background information on the term.

This all started when I went homeless for the first time to pay my credit card debt. At the time, I was young and naturally impulsive. Add to that the fact that I had put myself in a physically uncomfortable and mentally exhausting position and you can understand why I started to develop a touch of The Crazy. I did things like throw handfuls of change at a co-worker because I didn’t like how his smarmy ass kept giving me all quarters when it was my turn to fetch lunch for everyone. I was completely irrational and frightfully short tempered. You wouldn’t have wanted to be my friend.

Anyway, during all of this, I was on the phone almost non-stop trying to work out deals with various credit card companies. Like I said before, failing to pay my bills for four months caused a lot of the balances on my cards to nearly double. I called up each card  and gave them some bullshit sob story and they responded by offering me settlements or giving me a break on the interest and various late fees. In other words, they still planned to rip me off, just not as much as they had planned initially . Out of 11 cards, 10 of them gave me a small break….leaving one asshole.

The credit card company (who shall remain nameless) wouldn’t reduce my balance even one dollar. To pour salt on the wound, they were the ones who were trying to rape me the hardest and with no lube. The original limit on the card was $900. To pay it off, they wanted me to give them $4068. I tried to talk them down to $2000, which I thought was perfectly reasonable considering they’d still get to screw me out of a grand, but no dice. The creepy monotone voiced guy on the phone kept insisting that there was nothing he could do. I tried to play hardball and told him that if he didn’t help me with the balance, I wouldn’t pay the bill at all. He responded by informing me that my credit would be ruined. I laughed and asked him if he’d seen my credit lately; it was already ruined! He apathetically repeated that there was nothing he could do.

I was enraged. I was livid. I was so out of my mind with fury that my touch of The Crazy briefly became full fledged insanity. I vowed I’d never give that credit card company a dime, ever. To prove a point, I borrowed my friend’s video camera and made a little sign that said ‘FUCK YOU _______ CARD!” Then I taped myself burning $900 cash in front of the sign and sent the video to the credit card company in lieu of payment.

They responded by suing me.

In the end, I didn’t hire a lawyer and they ended up winning $2200…which was pretty much what I offered to pay them in the first place. Taking into consideration the money I burnt, the whole ordeal ended up costing me $3100. Since they initially wanted $4068, I technically saved $968. The moral of the story is that sometimes being crazy pays off.

Hence the term ‘Fuck You Money.’ Ever since that day, I’ve always put money aside that I can afford to basically throw away when I’m in the mood to tell someone to go to hell. Forget big screen televisions and sheets with ridiculously high thread counts. There is no greater luxury in the world than having ‘Fuck You Money.’

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