Shape of a Divorce
November 26th, 2006.Hi! When I was pregnant, I gorged myself until I doubled my body weight. Now, my body is covered in disgusting rolls of fat and I have so many stretch marks it looks like someone took a magic marker and scribbled on me. But that’s all just part of motherhood, right? Pregnancy does that to everyone, doesn’t it?
In a word? No.
It is such a peeve of mine to hear women use their children as an excuse for their own morbid obesity. It is not necessary to gain 80lbs to carry a 7lb baby and it’s not healthy either. If one more woman grunts the phrase ‘well, I’m eating for two’ as if she’s eating for two full grown adults and not herself and an infant incapable of eating solids, I’m going to start screaming.
You’re a pig with no self control. It has nothing to do with your baby.
That is not a baby in your thighs. That is not a baby in your ass. That is not a baby swinging like sweet meat from your arms. A baby doesn’t give you jowls. Your ruined body is the end result of gluttony and lack of personal responsibility. Admit it and quit blaming your kids.
I would even argue that gaining a freakishly large amount of weight during your pregnancy is a glaring omen that you’re not ready to be a parent. Parenthood is about setting a good example. How do you feasibly plan to teach your children how to eat healthy and exercise when you’re busy drowning them in pints of Ben & Jerry’s in the womb? How are you qualified to teach a child self-discipline when you’re busy jamming pizza rolls into your maw like they’re going out of style?
My friend Julie got pregnant and decided that she wanted to give her child the healthiest start possible. She ate whole grains, lean meat, fresh fruits and veggies and kept hydrated with plenty of water. She didn’t use her pregnancy as an excuse to sit on the couch all day. She kept active. The end result was 25lbs of baby weight that quickly melted away after an easy labor and a beautiful happy baby.
My sister-in-law could take out an entire apple pie in a single sitting during her pregnancy. Now, she’s 60lbs overweight with a depressed husband and fat kids. We call her The Sea Donkey and she’s still devouring an apple pie in one sitting even though her youngest is 3 years out of the womb.
Suspicious, isn’t it?
This wouldn’t bother me so much if people didn’t try to make gelatinous thighs into a symbol of “loving motherhood.” They’re a symbol of a love of Big Macs and Pop Tarts; it has nothing to do with your precious kids. Developing a cunt for a belly was not a cross you had to bear to bring your child into this world.
It came from reckless gluttony, shameful lack of self discipline, and a total absense of personal responsibility…
….When you should have been setting an example.
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