How to Get Out of a Traffic Ticket
July 17th, 2009.Two things happen to bullies when they grow up: they either become drug dealers or they become police officers. Which field the bully ultimately goes into depends largely on whether or not his parents went to college. If Mom was a school teacher and Dad worked for an insurance company, the little wet neck weasel that pulled down your pants in gym class will someday go for his badge. If Dad was nonexistent and Mom blew guys for food stamps, the crazy little asshole who socked you in the face on a dare will eventually start growing weed in his closet. The only person who has a more predictable life than a high school bully is the prettiest blond cheerleader on the squad. (She, of course, will gain 3 children and 60lbs by her 26th birthday.)
For the record, this article isn’t about the chumps you went to high school with. It’s about police officers. Or, more specifically, how to get out of traffic tickets. I wrote a little about the childhood tendencies of police officers because if you’re going to manipulate one, it’s best you have an idea of what makes them tick. You have to consider the fucked up little ways in which their shockingly small brains work. Sometimes that means you have to consider what the awful little shits were doing in grade school. Likely, he was being a bully. Imagine the smarmiest little asshole you went to school with. If he was dressed nice by his overtly liberal parents, had an incredibly sissy sounding name, and nearly always backed down if someone tougher stood up to him, it’s likely he joined the force. Basically, a police officer is nothing more than a grown up bully with a badge. Stand up to one now though, and you’ll find yourself sitting in a cell after 5 of them held you down and shoved a taser up your ass.
Make no mistake, a police officer’s job isn’t to ‘serve and protect.’ A police officer’s job is to fuck around with the average, every day Joe who forgot to wear his seat belt. AKA a police officer writes traffic tickets. If you want someone to keep you safe from rapists, burglars, and murders, don’t call the cops. Buy a dog.
With that said, police officers are actually pretty easy to deal with. Over the years, I have gotten pretty adept at escaping their greasy grasp without receiving a ticket. All you have to do is remember a few key rules.
Never Ask a Police Officer How to Get Out of a Traffic Ticket
Or, if you do, expect a lie. Don’t believe me? Give it a shot. I’ll bet you $10 that Officer Asshole advises you to ‘just be really respectful’ and ‘don’t give him a hard time.’
Bullshit. You can ‘yes sir’ and ‘no sir’ that fucking asshole to death. You’ll still get the ticket. Why? Please re-read paragraph one of this article. Remember when I told you that police officers are bullies? And what does a bully enjoy more than lesser beings feeding his ego? Calling him ‘sir’ does nothing but remind him that he has power over you. It’ll make him happy, sure. But unless it makes you happy to see him strut up to your window with a ticket in hand, don’t bother.
Pretend You Care About Him on a Human Level
The thing about bullies is they grew up either being overindulged and coddled, or ignored completely. No one, not even their parents, ever cared about them on a sincere, individual, human level. If you want to throw a police officer for a loop, be the first person in their lives to show genuine concern over their well being.
A good little maneuver to pull* when you get pulled over is to immediately scoot over to your passenger side seat. When the cop walks up to the driver side window, wave him frantically over to the passenger side window while simultaneously insisting, “Please come over here. I don’t want you to stand so close to traffic like that. If some idiot serves and hits you, it will be my fault.”
Sound concerned and flustered and as your police officer obediently walks around you car, you will notice his shoulders slump, his head bow, and a half smile will appear on his face. Someone is worried about him? Why, that’s never happened to him before! Now, all of the sudden, how fast you were going is the last thing on his mind.
Do NOT Make Excuses
When you make excuses, the only thing you do is set yourself up to be lectured. If there is one thing a police officer loooooves to do, it is to lecture. It’s how they psych themselves up into a frenzy of self righteousness which will make them feel good about writing you a ticket.
Instead, shrug and say, “I’m sorry.” THE END.
If the police officer persists in asking you WHY you were going so fast, just say, “I guess I just didn’t notice how fast I was going. Thanks for stopping me. I know you’re just doing your job.”
Anything after that, just repeat, “I’m sorry.”
Part of the fun of writing tickets for police officers is the part where you beg and make excuses while they lecture you and ultimately punish you. It’s their adult version of ‘Say uncle!’ Take the fun out of the game and they’ll be less likely to play it with you. You’ll actually see their eyes leave your face to scan the streets as they’re talking. Want to know what they’re doing? They’re looking for weaker prey. That teenager driving the red ford focus looks like a good target…
Change the Subject
If at all possible, change the subject. Try to get your police officer to forget that he’s a police officer. This is surprisingly easy to do.
For example, if your dog is in the car, allow your dog to crawl up on the window and solicit petting from the cop. Train your dog to do this if you have to, it’s well worth the time.
Then you can say, “I’m sorry, he just really loves people. Do you like dogs?”
(Do NOT say, “He really loves police officers!” Remember, you are trying to get him to FORGET that he’s a police officer, not remind him! Also, you will sound too obvious and suck up-y.)
The next thing you’ll know Officer Short Attention Span will be waxing nostalgic about some beagle pup he had in the 8th grade. Ask a lot of questions, sound interested in his stupid story and the next thing you know he’ll be waving you away without as much as a written warning.
Hate to Say it, But Boobs Help
Don’t be overtly flirty or the grease ball might actually want you to do something in exchange for leniency. But if you have a nice rack and are wearing a tight shirt, it helps to lean over a lot.
When All Fails, Go to Court
If you did everything exactly how I told you and still got the ticket, chances are your police officer walked away from your car feeling deflated or even a little guilty for hassling you. In that case, go to court and contest the charges. Nine time out of time, he won’t bother to show up as a witness against you. Which means you’ll get nailed with a small fine to cover court costs, but no actual points on your license.
On the other hand, if you copped an attitude, argued with your police officer, gave him a hard time, condescended to him, or otherwise allowed your utter disdain for him to show, your police officer will walk away from your car filled with FURIOUS ANGER. He will show up with a hard on in court just to fuck with you some more and it will be the highlight of his day to do so. Piss him off even more and he will convince his buddies to follow you around town looking to nail you for even the most minor of infractions. I know someone who pissed off a police officer so bad he ended up losing his license due to 12 point violation. He got all of his tickets in the span of 2 weeks and some of them were so ignorant that I still can’t believe they stuck. No joke, 2 of those points came from a traffic ticket he got for going 31 in a 35. Yes you read that right: he got a ticket for going four miles UNDER the speed limit.
Obviously, he pissed off the wrong pig.
Basically my list boils down to this: fake like you think police officers are human. Reward them when they act like one. Then drive away, ticket free, muttering to yourself about what a bunch of stupid fucking tools they are.
It’s what I do and it works.
*Unless you’re black. In which case, it’s more likely the cop will just try to shoot you through your back window.
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July 17th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
I think you really hit the nail on the head about treating them like people instead of police officers…I wonder if your technique would work for me? I do have MAN BOOBS!
July 17th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
Although I generally agree with your profile of cops, I’ve had very good luck (no tickets in more than a decade, and more than 6 or 7 escapes with a warning over that period) by starting with “yes officer, no officer”, and then telling a unusual story about why I was doing whatever it was I was doing.
As soon as I see the flashing lights, I try to come up with the most unusual story that isn’t completely unbelievable. It doesn’t have to be interesting, or funny, or outlandish. Just out of the ordinary in some specific way.
For some reason, after the story, it’s always a warning.
While this falls under the “change the subject” and “treat cop like human” categories of your strategy, it’s still rather different, and maybe would work better for men. I can’t see a cop being happy with me changing seats and then showing a lot of concern for his highway safety - it’s a little intimate. And I don’t think my method would work with out the “yes officer no officer”, as degrading as that is.
Being white also helps, though probably not as much as boobs
The last ticket I escaped from, I accidentally blew through a light in an unfamilar part of town and got pulled over. As I waited for the cop, an angry black man started heckling me, shouting “now you know what it’s like to be black EVERY DAY”. I got a warning. I think the cop wanted to be a dick to the other guy more than he wanted to give me a ticket.
July 18th, 2009 at 7:23 am
Wrong, at least on the apology bit.
If you apologize in the way you describe, you’ve confessed to the crime. Literally. That confession can (and will) be used against you in court, especially if pulled over by an agency that uses dashboard cams (most state police/highway patrols do).
July 18th, 2009 at 8:53 am
So very true to the point . Always enjoy seeing your work.
Have a great day
Cheers Dirtdog
July 18th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Refreshingly honest, as always. Love to see your posts in my feed reader.
July 18th, 2009 at 11:00 am
police officers are just doing their job. OK, that sounds lame, but remember what their job IS - to protect people. Including people who are going way over the speed limit and could easily kill someone.
July 18th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Not just the bullies, but the people who got pushed around and now want to be on the other side of the equation. And the action junkies who didn’t want to join the military but still wanted the chance to shoot someone. And plenty of people who shouldn’t be given any authority over anyone whatsoever. I have a friend who’s a cop, and I’ve heard him privately say some pretty racist, sexist, and politically incorrect shit, and it frankly worries me that there are people of that mindset out carrying guns and enforcing laws.
July 18th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
I’d like to clear up the misconception about cops not showing up to court. This is false. Cops get paid overtime to go to court. Every cop I know loves going to court. I know this because my fathers a cop. So don’t think just because you’re going to court you’re getting off because you think the cop won’t show. Actually, I think they might get paid more in overtime if you actually show up.
July 18th, 2009 at 11:33 pm
You know, this is painfully /true/. My mother remarried a cop and wanted to put a radar detector in her car, which put him into the thought of “OOOOH! NO!!! WE CAN’T PULL HER OVER!” and protested.
And, the MOST painfully true thing is that makes me want to slap someone, having a nice set of tits /does/ help.
July 19th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
Well, yeah, most police officers are like that. And if they weren’t like that in the beginning, they turn that way down the road. That “power corrupts” bullshit and all.
I think my father, god help him, was one of the police officers that genuinely meant well. Or at least, unless he was secretly a brilliant liar, he always seemed to be more concerned with making sure people are safe more than fulfulling hit ticket quota (which I don’t know if it’s the norm for police departments or not, but here they enforce a quota on how many tickets an officer rights. Which still makes no fucking sense to me).
July 20th, 2009 at 1:22 am
Ya know, I really liked your blogging before some douchebag took over the management of the site. It’s not as fierce as it used to be and far less angry.
July 22nd, 2009 at 3:53 pm
not to stroke the ego, but i totally agree with you V…2 weeks ago a chunk of cement came bouncing down the highway on my way home from work, and ripped through my grill and into my radiator. So after i immediately pulled over and called AAA for a tow, they asked me if i wanted a cop on the scene. At first i was hestitant, nah, i don’t really need one, then i thought to myself, i’m a single female on the side of a major highway that’s about to hit rush hour, sure it would be great if a cop was there to “serve and PROTECT” me…especially from sketchy tow truck drivers…anyway the state trooper shows up, i’m sitting on my passenger side getting my insurance info, i see his car in my rearview, so i jump out to show him the GIANT ROCK EMBEDDED IN MY CAR, and he SCREAMS at me “GET BACK IN YOUR CAR NOW”. For safety’s sake, I understand, but it was totally unnecessary. Then after half listening to my story, looking around my car suspiciously, ignoring the coolant pouring out of my car and not checking the damage he tells me again to sit in my car, he retreats somewhere, and then bounces, no lights, no “sorry miss, i have to respond to an urgent call”, all i see is the statey leaving me alone like the dickweed he most likely is. sorry you didn’t want to babysit me officer, im sure it would be more fun to search for my remains after the sketchy tow truck deviant massacres me in the woods. thanks. and by thanks, i mean fuck you.
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Absolute bullshit. Try those tactics with gov. rendell’s state cops and they’ll double your tickets right now.
After all, the state is in a budget crisis and they need every bit of income they can muster.
July 24th, 2009 at 10:39 am
a nice post about the traffic ticket. Just wanted to share a hilarious incident about being traffic ticketed. I am from India and if you have ever caught by an Indian traffic cop you would know that you can away with the fine if you dont ask for the recipt. So for example if the fine for driving without seatbelt is 200 Rs you can say “please adjust” and getaway with paying 100 Rs. Offcourse the money goes straight to the cops pocket.
Once after a bachelors nightout i was completely drunk and drving. I got caught by a traffic cop. He used the drunk-o-meter (which by the way can show positive even if you are not drunk) and said since it was a case of drink n drive the fine was 500. Added to that i had forgot my wallet @ my friends place and didnt have even the driving license. SO the total fine amounted to 750 Rs. He said i can get away by paying 400 Rs to him.I started crying and said i was a student . My girlfriend dumped me and i failed in my semester exams. To overcome the failures i took to drinking just today and got drunk in a bar. Somebody took my wallet and i have no money left. I have only Rs 10 in my shirtpocket and would give it to you. Sir I am like your son and if your son did a mistake wont you give him a chance. That statement hit the target. The cop not only refused to take any money from he lectured me on having good indian family values and stop drinking. Then he let me go. This hilarious incident shows that even though the indian cops are labelled as corrupt but they are humane too.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
If you get tickets at night or in the evening, then going to court is the best way. But don’t be stupid and tell the cop that you’ll fight it, just act casual and say you’re sorry a lot. That will get you some leeway even before court.
Saying “sorry” and not calling cops “sir” has gotten tickets reduced by a lot, but fighting them in court has removed all but one. I live in WA now, and if you decide to fight the ticket, they let the cop know in advance so they can show up. Bad move. Instead, I showed up and got my $125 “no seatbelt” reduced to $75.
I have a friend who is a terrible driver. She got over twelve tickets in two districts and fought them all. All but one was dismissed without having to pay anything. The other stuck, but she would have lost her license like three times over if she hadn’t fought them. This was within a 2yr span.
Once, she was going 90mph in a 70 zone, got the ticket as 85 in a 70 (saving a couple hundred and a “reckless driving” charge), went to court and got it down to 79 in a 70 because the cop didn’t have the speed records with him. So like $500 plus license loss vs. a small ticket that wouldn’t even generate a point on her license. Her driving sucks but her math is perfect.
As for not fighting it — are you serious? NO cop wants to lose sleep to hang out in court all day. I mean, if they work day shift or something they will welcome the change of pace, but sometimes their bosses can’t afford to have them stuck in court. And even then you might win if they lost the speed records.
July 30th, 2009 at 10:46 pm
As a police officer I’d like to clear a couple of things up:
1.) Police Officers are paid time and a half to show up to court, so we’ll be there.
2.) While true in some cases, not every cop was a bully or beat up in high school.
3.) If you move to the other side of the car and then tell the officer to walk to that side, they may smile and slump their shoulders, but only because they are upset at having stopped a dumbass and realizing they now have to talk to them.
4.) There is a saying, “act like a gentleman and you’ll be treated like one. Act like an asshole and you’ll be treated like one.”
5.) Honesty and respect do help. I called a ride for a DUI, instead of taking him to jail, because he said he was all over the road because his girlfriend was giving him “fellatio.”
6.) Boobs really do help. There’s pretty much no other way of saying that.
7.) Yes V, if you commit a traffic violation, while black, the law clearly states that the Officer may choose to make contact with the driver or just shoot because he probably has crack cocaine, guns, and a problem with authority.
August 7th, 2009 at 12:35 am
@epoch
Cops always say that, like “treat us respectfully and we’ll be nice back to you!” In my experience this is false. They may withhold from tasering you if you grovel at them enough but they’re still going to do their best to fuck with you. Especially if they have a quota to fill. Inciters like yelling at people in an attempt to get them to commit the unpardonable offense of accidentally touching a police officer (obviously assault, those fuckers need to be shot and tasered to death for having the gall to touch the GODS)
Once more, police officers don’t give a fuck. They enjoy ruining people’s lives over silly insignificant stuff and that is why this dumbfuck backwards country has the highest incarceration rate of all the developed countries in the world. Next time my state lets a murderer go because they have to make room for a pot dealer that you put away I’ll be sure to thank you, asshole.
Just try to remember that it isn’t just little old ladies that pay your salaries, but every day people and that just because they look a little different or are a little “hotheaded” is not an excuse to be a complete dickwad to them.
August 29th, 2009 at 9:51 am
Just a few comments:
Based on the cops I’ve known, I disagree with your assessment of them as smug, ignorant assholes. In truth, the majority of them are smug, ignorant, *lazy* assholes.
Getting a dog for home protection is good. Getting a dog *and* a gun and getting proper training with both is even better.
Your use of the informal “AKA” was technically incorrect. I notice those kinds of things because I’m anal retentive. I point them out because, just like all those cops, I’m an asshole.
I’ve just discovered your blog. I may have found a new regular read.
August 30th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
It’s funny how many people are commenting negatively about the police. I’ve been a dispatcher for over a year now and we have a saying that spans every police department in America - You hate us, but you love us when you need us. When you’re breaking the law, we’re the last person you want to see, but, when someone else is breaking the law and it’s affecting you, we can’t get there fast enough for you.
Yeah, some of the officers are arrogant bastards. They’re the same arrogant bastards who chase down the dickheads who steal your stuff, who arrest the drug dealers dealing shit to your kids, who keep the drunk idiots from smashing into your car and killing you and your family.
A traffic stop is one of the most dangerous calls for a cop just because we have no idea what kind of mess the driver or any of his/her passengers have gotten themselves into - do they have a warrant? Do they have a gun? Will they run? Will they fight? Will some other person try to intervene and make it even more dangerous for the cop who’s just trying to do his job by punishing someone who BROKE THE LAW. I don’t care if you think you should be able to speed or blow through a red light or drive drunk - it’s against the law for a reason. These laws are to protect you and other drivers on the road. If you don’t like them, don’t blame the cop just doing his job by upholding the law; go blame the politician who made the law in the first place and see how far that gets you.
V, I’ve been reading your blog a long time and it’s made me laugh and it’s made me cry. Your post where you stand up for your mother really hit home because I do that for mine pretty much all the time. However, this post fell a little flat. It was a disappointment after having to wait so long. I hope your venom is turned towards those a little more deserving than the people whose job it is to protect you. Perhaps if you put yourself in their shoes for just a moment and think about how the other 9.5 hours of their day goes (baby mama drama, fuck the police, drugs, fighting over petty shit, and truly crazy people), you’ll cut them a little slack if their attitude isn’t roses and kittens when they pull you over for speeding.
thecheapnevilgirl - Your disabled vehicle call is actually low priority. If a higher priority call comes in, like say, a robbery in progress or an assault, that cop can’t babysit you. You’re an adult capable of handling yourself and, if you aren’t, then perhaps Mommy and Daddy should ride shotgun until you’re a little less afraid of the big bad world.
August 31st, 2009 at 1:31 am
Amen to your first paragraph kellydoodle. I wouldn’t necessarily want to be a cop, but I’m glad there are people out there who do… even if they are arrogant. Out of the 25+ experiences I’ve had with cops in my day, I’ve only run across 1 active officer that I would consider arrogant, and he was close to retirement so he was probably just tired of all the BS. Oh, one other (former) cop I know is pretty arrogant, but he’s retired and is now a P.I.
August 31st, 2009 at 3:09 am
Kellydoodle…I’m glad to see someone is still in reality.
August 31st, 2009 at 3:32 pm
surely we are not here to generalize and say every police officer comes from the same background. But having said that, I would agree with V that its a fact that who we have become today has a lot to do with how we have been brought up. Quite often, miracles do happen and there are those who have made it way to the top from the shit hell hole they were in. There are those who chooses to be better and do better.
But nevermind all that, it would be a great start if you are doing your job properly atleast. Policemen to act an a certain way to scare you abit, to show you that they are in control you know [thats part of their job really], just like how we come up with our lil acts to get away from trouble because we are soooo cute when we do that.
I think the bottomline to this post is that- we really gota know our way around to get on better with people. To get what we want. Whether if it is to get away from a traffic ticket, coming up with decent excuse for being late for class or how to act like a mature adult when you are under age and about to walk in to a bar or a club. It’s important to understand human psychology when you are dealing with people and people in different professions.
But what everyone has in common is that, we all appreciate it when people try to understand us….and i believe that’s what V is trying to point out in this traffic ticket situation.
September 16th, 2009 at 1:09 am
What are you gonna say next? Probably nothing. That’s alright. You never had anything to say in the first place. ; )
September 16th, 2009 at 1:10 am
not ;
)
; /
September 16th, 2009 at 1:11 am
You should really delete your blog. I mean… it’s just taking up precious space. No???
September 20th, 2009 at 9:46 am
@epoch
“7.) Yes V, if you commit a traffic violation, while black, the law clearly states that the Officer may choose to make contact with the driver or just shoot because he probably has crack cocaine, guns, and a problem with authority.”
Are. You. Serious?? I’d like to see that “law” word for word. Does it actually say “black” or does it say the officer may choose to shoot people that he pulls over for a traffic violation, at random, before even making contact with them?? Either way it’s f-d up. If there really is a law like that, then I am worried for this country.
September 23rd, 2009 at 2:07 am
@Goldie
Failure to understand sarcasm/speaking tongue-in-cheek. Wow.
@V
Two months later, something about the phrase “Officer Short Attention Span” still makes me giggle.
October 6th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
I’ll always love YOU V… No matter what happens to me. Just thought you should know.