I Am Not Your Fucking Honey.

January 12th, 2010.

I lost the password to my stats a long time ago, so I honestly don’t know if anyone still reads this thing. Like most monkeys, I need an audience to watch me dance. Otherwise, what’s the point? I might as well just take a nap. So, I’m going to ask you to do something I’ve never done before: if you’re still reading, let me know. I’ll try my best to keep writing. If not, nap time baby.

As most of you with elephant-like memories know, I started my own business a couple of years ago. (Holy shit, this thing has existed for a couple of years!) What kind of idiot starts a business in a failing economy, you ask? This kind of idiot. Nice to meet you.

My business has been fairly successful. However, the drawback to success is that I have suddenly morphed into a workaholic. No joke, I have not had a single day off in about 3 and half months. Further, my workdays are usually 13-16 hours long. I’m a fucking horse, people. A horse.

This is explains my lack of updates. That and the afore mentioned missing audience for the monkey. Oo-oo, ah-ah.

But, I still need to bitch. Living my life with a smile plastered to my face is making my teeth hurt. So, without further ado…..

I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING HONEY!

Sweetie. Dear. Honey. Darling. Sugar.

You know what those words are? Terms of endearment. FOR CHILDREN. I call all sorts of people ‘darling, honey pot, sweet heart.’ Fortunately, all of those people are under the age of 5. When I say those words, I am commenting on the child’s precious innocence and undeniable cuteness.

Therefore,I would not dream of referring to an adult as ‘darling.’ They are not undeniably cute, they are not preciously innocent, and they are definitely not children. Therefore, it is fucking disrespectful to use a term of endearment such as ‘sweetie’ when speaking to them. Period.

Even worse are the people who refer to their elders as ‘dear, etc.’ How unbelievably condescending.

I don’t mind when someone significantly older than my calls me ‘sugar’ because, to them, I am a child. But when someone 5 years my junior has the balls to talk to me like I’m 3, I feel like spitting fire.

I’ve spoken to people who use words like this to speak to their equals and elders, and they always insist the same thing, “I didn’t mean it that way!”

Well, listen, I don’t give a flying fuck what you meant in your secret heart of hearts. Talking to me like I’m a child is rude. So don’t fucking do it anymore.

I swear to fucking God, if I turn 80 and some snide bitchy waitress calls me ‘darling,’ I will beat her to fucking death with my cane.

Sorry folks, I just had to get that shit off my chest.

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61 Responses to I Am Not Your Fucking Honey.

  1. diasdiem

    Holy fuck! You’re alive? I figured after the last post you got offed by the local police union. I still have this site bookmarked and check it every day, mostly because I have my browser open all of the bookmarks in the folder at once. You had about another month before I gave up, now you’ve got me hooked for at least another 6 months.

  2. Chriscim

    I’m still reading. I’m still have you on my RSS feed. Keep writing goddamnit!

  3. horribilis

    SO GREAT TO HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN! Of course I’m still reading. And, they say, for every one person who responds, supposedly there are about 500 still hemming and hawing about what they want to say but can’t. So, in representation of my 500, it’s good to see you. And you’re right about the Sweetie Honey Darling thing. BTW, I don’t remember if I commented on the How to Get Out of a Traffic Ticket blog, but I loved it and shared it with everybody I know. They all loved it too. Keep up the good work.

  4. brad

    We’re still listening V. Been wondering where you were.

    Being a male, no one calls me darling or sweetie but there are equally offensive terms for males such as ‘sport’, ‘champ’, ‘dude’, ‘son’ or ‘buddy’. I don’t know how ‘sweetie’ makes you feel, but I’m guessing it’s something like ‘sport’ makes me feel.

  5. lostinthecrowd

    KEEP WRITING! I still check for updates a couple of times a week.

    Often people use ‘Honey’ etc, because they don’t know your name. It’s just a kinder, gentler form of ‘Hey you.’ It’s essentially meaningless, and can be cultural (some areas of the UK, where I live, everyone calls everyone else love or darling, except men speaking to other men). It’s not intended to be condescending. Fair enough to correct them, but it’s an overreaction if you go off at someone for the first offence.

    People who do it habitually, after being asked to stop… probrably can’t remember your name either, or just call everyone ‘Hon’. Which is disrespectful, come to think of it.

  6. labyrinthine

    still reading! you’re a feed in my news reader that I have not quit yet. so, hi honey! …er….

  7. Megan

    I swear I must be psychic because this is the first time I check your site in months. And I haven’t received a notification. This article: posted somewhere in the Twilight Zone…

    And yes, still reading! In case it wasn’t obvious enough.

  8. tgwizard

    Yes, please continue writing! This is the most readworthy blog of all the ones I’ve come across yet.

  9. Violent Acres « Reasonably Random Rants

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  10. Myroid

    This is not the real V. The real V is face-down in a tasty adult beverage somewhere.

  11. sawaboof

    Thanks to Google Reader, I am still reading via RSS feed.

  12. wardriver22

    Keep writing. I’ve never unsubscribed.

    Btw, I’m with you on the waitress situation. Maybe we should just tell them, “Honey, you’ll get your tip, just stop being a kissass.”

  13. duhast

    its indeed nice to know ur still alive, and writtin’ in the blog per se.
    and yes most of the time its annoying to be treated like that.. or just that anyone who isn’t close your age up and down for the matter treath you like an equal.

    its not like discriminative but i mean there we should still pay some respect to the… age groups perhaps?.

    thats my two cents.

  14. cecelia

    Still reading :) And hoping for more dancing!!

  15. nobakecheezcake

    I also thought you left us all and found a *gasp* real life. Still reading religiously and subscribed to the RSS and email updates, y’know – just in case. :P

  16. Violent Acres - Now Retarded Acres | JoelTheGreat.com

    [...] you’re an idiot (Survey says you are indeed an idiot).  But this latest post, titled “I Am Not Your Fucking Honey.“, is retarded.  It’s so retarded it’s the kind of crap you’d find on [...]

  17. A

    Um….ok. So glad you’re back, but I think you’ve gone off the deep end a bit. Yes, agreed – when wait-staff or anyone else you don’t know on a personal basis calls you by one of those terms, it’s inappropriate. HOWEVER – referring to a significant other or close relative by a term of endearment other than their proper name goes back AGES and they weren’t always terms of endearment, exactly. Take, for instance, the term “dear” which has many meanings – one of the original definitions being “highly esteemed” or “honorable” and was a much more affectionate way to address an elder than saying something like “Honorable Grandmother”. It’s not like these terms necessarily started out as ways to refer to small children, but if that’s how you choose to use them that’s fine. Just don’t expect people to change the way they LEARNED to act because of how you view it.

  18. Nyssa

    We are listening V!! Keep on, keeping!

  19. Viola

    Good to see you again, V.

  20. adavies42

    a.) i’m still reading, and b.) get the fuck over it. i’d think insisting everyone else think like you would be the sort of thing that would piss you off.

  21. kellydoodle

    I’m a RSS reader so, yes, I am still reading. I understand that the stress of owning what I can only assume is a retail-based business has taken its toll on you and that’s why we are subjected to this journal post which has all the ranting style of a 15-year old fast food jockey.
    You’ll always have those fans who applaud your every word, just waiting for the next FUCK to come out of your mouth like schoolchildren delighting in a teacher cursing at the blackboard. They’ll clap like morons and tell you to keep it up because it’s delicious to see an authority figure of sorts acting infantile. That being said, your last two posts were heralded by long periods of silence on your part and then come off as the whiny indulgences of a pubescent teenager.
    I love the writing style you employed back when you didn’t give two shits about anyone who read your page, but you still put some effort into writing. Maybe I was spoiled in that I started reading once you had a significant archive of anecdotes, but this latest writing style doesn’t interest me. And, if what another reader said was true – that every person who comments represents the thoughts of 500 others – then I and my 500 are growing bored.
    Perhaps you just have too much on your plate.

  22. treeson

    I agree with lostinthecrowd. Here in the South, honey, sweetie and darling are terms of endearment, used when we can’t remember someone’s name, a quick way to get someone’s attention (“Sweetie, can you get the phone?”).

    It all goes to tone. Sometimes it is condescending, but not every time.

  23. xxEva

    It’s true that people often refer to children using those endearing terms, but when people say that they didn’t mean it in that way, chances are they’re telling the truth.
    There’s no hidden meanings when people say “Dear” or “Sweetheart”.
    Like Treeson said, it could be a stranger you’re referring to, simply asking them to pass the salt.
    At least it’s better than “Hey, you.”

  24. Elizabeth Miller

    For those of you saying that calling people you hardly know ‘sweetie’ or ‘honey’ is a cultural thing specific to the south are incorrect. In the south, you are supposed to refer to your elders (or someone whose name you don’t know) as ‘Sir, Ma’am, or Miss.”

    See how one is respectful and one is overly familiar and condescending?

    “Hey you” is just as rude as “Hey Honey” Again, if you don’t know someone’s name, say, “Excuse me, Sir.”

    This isn’t about intent (as in, I didn’t mean to insult you) it’s about having manners. And good manners suggests that you don’t use a term of endearment for someone you don’t know. Ever. No matter your intent (and really, how are others supposed to know your intent unless they are mind readers), it is rude. Plain and simple.

  25. brad

    @Elizabeth
    +1 for Ma’am and Sir. My parents were very serious that my siblings and I address people (anyone, not just elders) as Yes Ma’am, No Sir etc. Nowadays it just rolls off my tongue and people respond to it much better than ‘honey’ or ‘sweetie’.

  26. Gravitational.asterisk

    Yuppers. I’m still reading. And I actually hate those words altogether, regardless of who it’s meant for.

  27. DjangoDurango

    Still reading, V.

  28. elcastillano

    I’m still faithfully RSS-subscribed.

  29. Sevaul

    Oh yeah I get email updates, side note almost crapped my pants when I saw you updated. Glad to hear the buisness is going well and I look forward to seeing more of the dancing monkey.

  30. glassmouse

    Glad you’re back.

  31. Jackie

    Very glad to see you post again! :)

  32. paintedred

    In defense of the waitresses and those in the service industry- yes, it’s disrespectful. I waited tables for 5 years, starting at age 15. I was a polite girl on the job, I was aware enough to know that this was my source of money. I wore light makeup, I addressed everyone as “sir” or “ma’am”, my uniform was well-kept and my hair was in a tight, bouncy ponytail. I acted like the servers on the military base my dad works at did.

    My tips were shit, even after I got good. I worked in texas, arkansas, boston, california, and south carolina (army brat). The only thing that made me decent money was the typical southern girl. This involved a heavy drawl, a swaying walk, hair falling out of my pony-tail, stained apron. You get it. I made, on average, $15/hr calling people honey, angel, dollface, sweetie, sugar…. laying it on thick, you know?

    A lot of us don’t mean any disrespect… it’s just what makes us money.

  33. kimdeal54

    Still reading. Was great to see an update. :)

  34. kidcanuck

    Good to see you’re back!

  35. toffeestain

    It’s nice to hear from you. Good to know your business isn’t in the toilet.

  36. moose

    I checked about once a week, as someone has already so eloquently said: Holy FUCK! You’re still alive!

  37. trustfarm

    Still reading. Like everyone above me probably said, it’s nice to have you back.

  38. chuck

    … And, not to mention, I get seriously creeped out when some lecherous middle aged man calls me ‘sweetie’ when I’m at work.

    If you are a middle aged man, calling a young girl ‘sweetie’ is never okay. Never.

  39. prophit618

    I would still be reading, if you had still been posting. I’ve not missed an entry yet, and I hope there’s many more to not miss.

  40. spriteless

    Oh, hey, glad I have email reminders turned on.

  41. Pika

    Wonderful to hear from you again V.

    While I am not a fan of the posts where you simply vent various forms of rage (although I am sure they are soothing to write) I appreciate the stories you have put here of things you have learned. I admire your ability to laugh at yourself, respect how hard it is to talk about the things which really matter or have really impacted your life, and am amused by your little insights as to how people tick.

    I know life isn’t one of those things we ‘come out ok’ with some happy ending to but seeing you more or less happy and stable despite whatever former shenanigans you encountered has been a great source of comfort and hope to me personally. I hope that in 10 years I will look back and consider my hand played half as well.

    Your writing has inspired me to attempt to tell stories as well (http://savingears.blogspot.com/) although I don’t have your gift for slicing out all the unimportant bits of a story while still really keeping a reader.

    Anyway, the point is I am glad to hear from you again. Please keep writing: I am rather sure you really are reaching your target audience from “fifteen and already a wife.”

  42. cklyce14

    still reading, glad you are back!

  43. honey. « The Inky Eagle

    [...] I love them. But I only love them one way – from guy to girl. It’s somehow endearing (though many girls out there would disagree with me). And for the record, only some guys can pull this off. It depends on the girl too, but trust me, [...]

  44. dirtdog

    Alway’s great to see your work .
    I have admired an enjoyed your stories
    keep it up
    look forward to the next
    cheers dirtdog

  45. HeavensThunderHammer

    V, it’s great to see you posting more again. Please keep it up.

    As for the subject, do you find it offensive if your husband uses words like “hon, honey sweety” etc?

  46. sufehmi

    if you’re still reading, let me know. – I was gonna say, “how am I going to do that if you close the comments? DUH”.

    Then I realized that you’ve opened the comment facility on **this** post. Doh.

    Re: the article, paintedred’s comment is an eye opener.
    Thanks for the insight. Now I know how bad of a sucker we really are.

  47. DH

    Just found you! Must read every word
    Now!

  48. B

    Just stumbled onto your blog and I want to tell you that I love your writing. You’re goddamn hilarious and quite an inspiration. I’ll definitely keep reading and hope you keep writing!

    Take care.

  49. Christina

    I’ve only just found your site recently, but enjoy reading. Hope you keep writing.

    On the topic: I *try* to call everyone MR. Smith or MS. Jones, until they tell me to do otherwise. (Sidenote: I stick with MS. b/c I hate being defined as the ‘wife of’ someone. I am my own person.) Additionally, I hate that we have, collectively, gotten so overly familiar with people. I wish we all went back to using MR. Smith or MS. Jones until we actually get to know people.

    And I REALLY, REALLY go nuts inside when someone automatically shortens my name. It is NOT Chris, Chrissy, Christy, Christin, Christine or, gag, Tina. My name is CHRISTINA.

    I find myself using hon or sweetheart occasionally, but I’ve been working over the last couple of years to back down on that. It is very hard, when the usage is so very pervasive. But I’ll keep plugging away…

  50. puddles

    please. keep. fucking. writing. oh my gahd woman, you. YOU. i have already read 50% of your archives after discovering the blog today. VA. please keep writing. please. please x infinity. i need you to write more, i need more of your story and thoughts. fuck it, whatever, i like reading you because i agree with 90% of what i’ve read so far and it makes my brain get all dopamine-y, but whatever, i fucking love it. PLEASE. your personal story and your ideas are wonderful. please write again.

  51. Tiba

    I’m also one of the late discoverers of this blog. I’ve gone through, I believe, everything and thoroughly enjoyed it all. I’ve fervently nodded my head in agreement at some posts, empathized at others, disagreed with few but in some cases got convinced, but this… this is a major pet peeve of mine!
    I am really lucky that my husband doesn’t refer to me as honey, lucky that he also dislikes that type of name giving. But the term which gets me mad is “baby”, or even worse – a “babe” – by some guys who attempt to chat me up online. Since I don’t equalize myself to a blonde empty-brained pink-dressed bimbo (which is the label that comes to my mind when I hear that term) then I’m less than happy to hear that (apart from the fact that those guys never bother to check the info and see I’m married).
    And that brings me to a joke which in my mind summarizes this whole honey-sweetey-pumpkin etc etc story:
    He: Baby?
    She: Yes, sweetheart?
    He: Honey, will you make some food?
    She: Of course, kitty
    He: Thank you sugar!
    She: Not at all, pumpkin
    Both: Umm.. You also don’t remember my name, do you?

  52. Nicole

    I found this blog through some crime website. Can’t recall it at the moment. But it linked me to an entry to lured me right in. I have went back all the way on this blog simply because I was curious and liked what was said. This post particularly made me giggle because I loathe when people call me pet names like that, ESPECIALLY at a store or restaurant. Or when they’re younger than me. Fucking annoying.

  53. Random Internet Name

    I just found the site and have spent the last two work days reading entry after hilarious entry. Please come back and write some more!

  54. Shak

    The guy above me nailed it on the head. I found this blog while google searching unrelated. After reading a single entry my productivity at work crashed into nothingness as I went back and meticulously read every single entry from the beginning.

    V, you’re awesome, I hope you decide to write regularly again.

  55. Daryl

    Just found your blog and I’m loving reading through it. Please come back and write some more

  56. Fnord

    I first bumped into your blog while googling the term “mommybloggers” to find out what the hell it meant. I found your story about how you’d been badly in debt in your college years and had the character to go all-out to get out. I’ve related that story to a few people in the years since (lately, to people who took out what I think were entirely reasonable mortgages at exactly the wrong time and are now underwater.) IMHO, that story, by itself, is the most important thing of yours that I’ve read.

    I’ve also relayed your story about buying bunches of cough syrup for, in the vernacular, the science and/or luls.

    It’s been a while; I stopped reading at roughly the big hiatus, and was happy to come back and find there were more articles.

    I do not think that you and I would be fast friends if we met (though there is likely some hyperbole mixed with your professed attitudes and mannerisms), but I was happy to see, today when I bumped into a link (Someone in a forum related to a “Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality” fanfic linked to your “How to Control your Temper”, which was useful to me and is valuable, and now I’m doing the backlog.)

    I have gotten more than a little value out of several of your stories (also noteworthy was your ‘in defense of my mother’) and I am happy to watch the dancing as long as you choose to do it. I wish you well.

  57. Alaska

    Hey there. I just found your blog through Stumbleupon and it’s really good. Don’t take a nap, update if you have time for it! It’s cool to find someone who can write so well. ^_^

  58. Andreas

    I just discovered your blog via stumbleupon and I’m going to read every blog you make because of your nice writing style.

  59. Abe Abramov

    Youre so cool! I dont suppose Ive learn something like this before. So good to find anyone with some original ideas on this subject. realy thanks for starting this up. this website is one thing that is needed on the web, someone with a bit of originality. helpful job for bringing something new to the web!

  60. Slepoi

    Please, please, please keep writing! This is an absolutely brilliant blog and I cannot get enough of it. How rare it is to find someone with something to say, somebody that’s worth listening to. I can’t be thankful enough that people like you exist in this world.

  61. Auntie Em

    Nothing is worse than having one’s feelings dismissed. You have the right to say what you want to be called — or not called. Others may disagree but that doesn’t matter. It is your right. Whenever I am addressed as “hon,” etc. I immediately say — politely but firmly — that my name is not hon. I am not rude, threatening or obscene; I am establishing boundaries and asserting myself. The responses are anywhere from hostile and defensive to apologetic. A few people have burst into laughter. At that point I leave. I will not give my hard-earned money to a store or restaurant whose employees disrespect me.

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