Epiphany: Part Two

October 13th, 2006.

I bet you’re all wondering what’s on my perfect page, aren’t you? To tell the truth, I struggled with idea of posting it or keeping mum. On one hand, everyone loves a good cliff hanger. On the other hand, it’s getting to be that special time where I unleash my awesome power and superb writing style on the little peons of the world. I mean, you should see what I can do with a computer and a blank page in Microsoft Word. I made my wife cry. Seriously. She buried her head in a pile of unpaid bills and bawled her little eyes out. It was absolutely stunning. I’m like superman.

You know, a few years ago, people thought I was going nowhere fast. And by ‘people,’ I mean my in laws and all the punks who used to beat up on me in high school. Apparently just because I’m middle aged and can’t yet balance a checkbook, that made me some sort of loser who had nothing to offer my wife. But I defied them all and did something that no one thought I could do: I had a brain damaged kid.

And she’s cute, too. She looks like a young Drew Barrymore with about a gallon of drool on her chin. I even suckered some publisher into letting me write a book about her. And by ‘about her,’ I actually mean ‘about me.’ I mean, she does have this….thing….and it’s rare and all that jazz. But that’s just secondary to what it’s like being the father dealing with her super rare thing! Don’t you know that my daughter’s illness is really all about me!

You should see the skill in which I sucker kindly Internet people out of money. Who knew it would be so easy? I mean, all I have to do is call my daughter a cyborg-fairy-bug-ninja-alien-thing and people just eat it up. Also, I dye her hair all kinds of crazy colors just to illustrate how hip and liberal I still am even though I’m really just fat and lazy. I barely ever mention my wife because no one really cares about her. Besides, she’s probably off somewhere crying again. No doubt it awe of my superior writing powah!

So yeah, this pink haired-cyborg-bug-fairy-monster-alien-thing is really making me some fat loot. And if that’s not perfect, then I don’t know what is.

Now buy me a bike.

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