I’ve always had a problem controlling my emotions. And despite this problem that negatively impacts my life and is visible to my husband, my children, my family, my friends, my internet friends, and God himself, I’ve yet to seek any kind of psychiatric help. Also, my daughter farts on command. And I write tremendously long run-on sentences.

I need some serious help. I’m overweight (Please o’ please Internet post and tell me that I’m not overweight, but curvy! Please!), I have some pretty heinous stretch marks (Please o’ Please Internet tell me that they’re not that bad), and I’m broke almost constantly. I live in this small, awful, RENTED house and I can’t afford to go hang with my friends and do the worm. My life is so shitty.

Except for my wonderful family! You have no idea how lucky I am to have such a wonderful fantastic family! Remember how I told you that I had a daughter that farts on command? Well, she’s literally the light of my life. Every time I think of her, my heart just swells with the pride and love that enriches my life on a day to day basis. She is perfect in every way and my whole world revolves around her….and those other two kids.  I am so lucky!

I mean, who cares if I live in an ugly rented house and I lack any kind of financial safety net? I’ll just help my poor husband earn a little extra cash! Not by picking up a part time job, mind you, but by investing in my candle selling business! That should work! And instead of putting money into a savings account, I’ll let the Internet talk me into blowing it on something frivolous like a new camera. I’ll aerobically dance! Then I’ll lose more weight! It’ll work! For a day or so anyway. Then my life will suck again.

I’ll pig out on ice cream and junk food and burst into tears every time I look at my body. I am such a worthless pig. Today I got an email where someone told me that if I just learned to control my impulse to comfort myself with food I could lose weight, but screw them. THEY DON’T KNOW ME. If they did, they’d know that my weight problems have less do with food and more to do with the fact that I have the emotional maturity of a 3rd grader and lack any resemblance of self control. How else can you explain me sobbing uncontrollably one second and drunkenly doing the worm the next?

But seriously, guys, I really am very lucky. I have 3 beautiful children and a husband who loves me. My daughter really is cute and she farts on command. Did I mention that? And did I mention how funny and smart and curvy I am? Because I am. How about this? I’ll post 10 or 20 pictures of my beautiful daughter as proof that I really am very lucky. And if I can find some, I’ll post a couple of pictures of those other two kids, too.

My God, I am worthless. Ten seconds ago I was in awe of my daughter and our wonderful life, but now I’m back to feeling worthless again. My husband came home and saw me crying again for no reason and he said, “WOMAN! Will you just chill out already?” BUT HE’S JUST TRYING TO GET ME PREGNANT AGAIN!

But hey guys? I gotta run. I’m going to go visit all my super cool friends and get drunk and be my super cool, crazy, hip and TOTALLY NOT FAT self. When I get back, I’ll post some more pictures of my daughter because she really is the light of my life. I really am very lucky.

I mean, can you believe that no one has put me on medication yet?